Why waste time on myself if I don't know what I need
I'm so numb sometimes it makes no difference to me
so why not help the ones that I love?
I'd rather help the ones that I love
and its not to say, that I don't enjoy my life
and its not to say I'm not happy sometimes
its just hard to make contentment concrete
and its hard to make anything lasting
Because I don't really know how to be happy
so I'll make you happy for me
and I know, its probably no healthy
and I know it might not even be helping
and I realize its not really good for me
but its the only way I know how to be
Because no expectations means no let-downs
I'll avoid the water completely to make sure I never drown
drink from my half-full cup, deny as needed and bottle it up
it sometimes helps to pretend
I learned this from my parents
And sometime I've gotta learn to put myself first
because how can you help someone if you're fucked up worse?
and now I don't even know where my emotions go
maybe they eat themselves alive or just gnaw at my insides
all the time
I can feel them there, they just like to hide
And I know I need to let it hurt
know I need to let it burn
my heart straight to the ground
and everything on down
I need to let it go, I need to let it out
I need to feel at all, but I don't know how
I need to let it in, need to let in singe
my shell to the bone so that I may be exposed
for everyone to see
But then my insides will start leaking and I know that it won't stop
but I'll know who really cares about me when they come to clean it up
as my weaknesses start dripping, with all my vulnerabilities
my pain and insecurities, and the emotions I've been swallowing
will come out pouring,
out of me
...but why would I make anyone deal with such a mess?
I don't really know how to be happy
so I'll make you happy for me
and I know, its probably not healthy
and I know it might not have a good ending
and I realize how all this is sounding
but as for right now, its the only way
its the only way I know how to be
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